How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
