i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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