the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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