so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Randomize
