I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
