Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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