Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I supernannyed him into submission
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
