I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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