After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
17 year olds will be the death of me.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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