My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Randomize
