my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
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