I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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