I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
