so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Randomize