I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Randomize
