Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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