Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
