Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
