So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
