just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize