I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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