he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
