Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
