hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
