she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
