I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
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