It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
