32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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