So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
