one might say we're banned from that church
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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