Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
