you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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