Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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