Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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