She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
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