i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
