I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
