1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Randomize
