I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
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