I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
