Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
It's blow job season.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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