It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
