Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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