I just pynch a tree in the face
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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