hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
