im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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