Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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