paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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