She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
