Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
