I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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