You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
