come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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