I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
