Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
