My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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