and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
