i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
